My Love, their love

It's a funny thing isn't it; love. It's almost indescribable yet life wouldn't be the same without it. Those people who don't have it, like myself, want it almost desperately. Those who have it can easily squander it. and there many people who don't understand, who believe they have it when they don't, or don't have it when they do. So many people have told me to fuck off when I tell them they're probably not in love with someone, but you lot probably know they type, about 13, female (doesn't have to be female I know lots of guys who've made the same mistake), known the person they're 'in love with' for about a day.
    Me I don't think I have been in love. I have had a girlfriend, and i did tell her i loved her -I really thought I did- but I'm pretty sure I wasn't; things were often difficult and we would give up, love isn't meant to be like that who have to care about the other enough to fight with them, as well as for them. I doubt that every couple i meet is in love, maybe getting close to it, but many are forced to say it anyway not by the other side of the relationship. there's a sort of conforment that when two people are together they must be in love, which isn't true my sister has a happy, healthy relationship with her bf but is happy that he doesn't love her an she doesn't love him, they just care so much for each other and have fun together.
     I'm a bit odd with this whole subject, ever since I was little I wanted to find someone whom I loved, get married, and have kids. although now I know that life is not that simple I'm still looking and yes I have been told that looking for 'the one'at 16 is stupid, that I should just try to have fun but I can't. There's someone out there for me, I can sense it somehow
anyway that's enough rambling, stay tuned people
    

My New Year Resolutions

This will be a relatively short post tonight. I was thinking about how every year people promise to throw away: drinks, cigarettes or plan to start going to the gym. Then two weeks later everything's back to normal and their right back to where they started. I can't talk though really, I haven't ever kept 1 really but to be fair when I was little a lot of my resolutions were to become a pokemon.
     This year will be different, I plan to keep all of my resolutions. Mainly as many of them are about self improvement and I'm quite up for that at the moment. It's meant to get harder to change things as you get older so I want to change all the things I dislike about myself now and there are loads. So my resolutions for this year are: 1: learn to play an instrument (hopefully something sexier than recorder)
2: go to the gym a lot more
3: actually finish a book I start writing. (all my life i've started writing stories but never managed to finish one)
plus anything any readers might like to add
stay tuned for next time,
anyone want to post their new year resolutions, to compare or have a laugh about?

My invisibility

I'm guessing that at some points in your life you get the feeling that no one notices you. In my life, that seems to be my state of existence. It wasn't always like that though; when I was younger, like year 1-3 I was pretty confident and happy. People always noticed me and mostly liked me: adults because I was polite and nice, other kids because I was the one who would do stuff like shout the word 'sex' down the corridor at school (although I didn't know what it meant) or write my name in really big letters on the back of my work.
     Although as time went on I started getting teased and retreated back into my shell a little bit. By the time I got to secondary school I was petrified of people my own age, and either said nothing to a lot of people or never shut up. Plus the teasing got worse. In the first week of year 7 I had 2 death threats, and countless 'no one would care if I died'. I spent so much time dreaming I could turn invisible and avoid it all, eventually I sort of could. Not actual invisibility of course but I could blend in to the background incredibly well. Of course eventually this stopped working as well and I joined a group made some friends and began to act more like my old self.
     Now days, at college, I don't really blend in, most people know if I'm there or not ( I'm still pretty good at sneaking up on people though) but it seems the people I want to notice me most, and if I'm honest in quite a specific way still don't see me. I'm still invisible. If any still feel the same way, that no one ever sees you, please take the advice I'm to terrified to use; make them see you, who you are and what you could mean to them... if they;d let you
stay tuned ( if I haven't bored you to death already) for next time; My new year resolutions

My defining moments

I started my revision today for psychology and I came across the humanistic approach and more specifically the 'concept of self.' According to Rogers we have 3 concepts: the self concept- the way a person sees themselves, the ideal concept- the person whom we would like to be, and the real self- the person who we actually are.
     It got me thinking about how we see ourselves, a lot of people put themselves down repeatedly and only see the bad stuff. Many people are so far up themselves they can't see the truth, and unfortunately many people can never actually see themselves for themselves. I probably am slightly arrogant, obnoxious, ignorant as well maybe but I know that and I try not to be. I am well aware of my actual self, probably more of an average teenager than i'd like to admit, my ideal self on the other hand; well in many ways I am getting to be the man I want to be.
    But and this is a very BIG but. We can say whatever we like about who we are and who we want to be, talking makes no difference. You need to prove it, when the time comes and the opportunity to show everyone who you want to be, your ideal self, you have to take it, make it a defining moment.
stay tuned

My Ghosts of Christmas past

 I love Christmas as much as the next person who obsessively loves Christmas and still gets no sleep Christmas eve. To me though Christmas has changed. I'm not sure if that's just because I no longer 'wait for Santa' to bring me presents or just because that's what happens over time; you get used to the excitement. Whatever it is I still get very happy around Christmas but as it's the end of the year I like to think back over everything that's happened since this Christmas and last. For instance last year I was hiding my last and only relationship from my parents, this year I'm reluctantly single (although it was I who ended it, I like to point that out). Last year I was slightly less mad, this year I'm mad as a box of (insert mad sounding thing here) but also and totally meaning to toot my own horn, smarter and more brilliant. Everyone probably has their own ghosts of Christmas past. I know several people who have lost people at Christmas and can therefore take that slightly more literally, but it doesn't have to be like that ghosts don't have to be bad things. For me they're every toy I've gotten at Christmas, and I remember a helluva lot of them, I also remember when I lost or broke them. Although and this is to completely contradict everything I've said. Should we look back at Christmas? or perhaps keep our minds securely in the present (yeah like I could(!)) or just maybe have our fun then start writing our lists for next year.
stay tuned, and look out for my next post.

My First Blog

Hello everyone, as the title suggests this is my first ever blog. I am no longer a blog virgin you will all be happy to know. My name is Connor, i'm 16, a nerd, and single (wink' anyone?). I've started this blog to get my thoughts out somewhere, ever since i was little i have spent so much time in my head; dreaming, shrinking back into myself to ignore the outside world. mainly the prior. i still do a lot of that; i imagine so much, think of everything i can, see the best and worst at the same time. To get them down on paper, as they say, of course not literally, i hope will help set them straight in my head and give you reader(s) something to think about. my first proper post will follow soon 

stay tuned for My ghosts of christmas past